I am really REALLY hurting tonight. Right now I am not brave enough to post it publicly, other than I am HURT by people who think they are protecting me. STOP trying to protect me, please! It only hurts worse. I feel ignored, not protected.
Enough for now. I need to stop crying, as that get physically draining, causing physical hurt along with the emotional.

Sad. Sad. Sad. Two more babies died today. I do not know them personally, but I do know their mother's pain. One was a 4 weeker, the other was stillborn at 35 weeks. One was a MDC mama the other a MDC's niece or nephew. It is just wrong to have babies die. I do not get it. It is wrong, wrong, wrong. Why do babies have to die? Do not tell me it is Gods plan, or it is how the Universe works. It is just shitty. I do not think it is Gods plan. However, I am pissed off at God, or at least what I have been told about him. Perhaps what I have been told is the lie?? Who fuckin knows!!! What I do know is that I think babies should NOT die, if it is Gods plan, well then I do not believe in him anymore. If it is how the Universe works, well screw it, it should not work that way. I hope those Mamas learn they are not alone. I know their pain. It is the most horrible pain in the whole world. I hope they know they are not alone, that helps me. I hope they have the family & friends that I do to help hold them up. I hope they sleep tonight & dream of their babies. Ok, I need to go cry now.

Solitude. I love it! I LOVE IT! I am finding peace when I am home alone. Which for me is interesting.When I was single, I lived alone. I hated it. I hated being alone. Now, I love it. Funny how time & progression changes you.
All & all I had a pretty good weekend. Friday night Matt & I had a date. We did dinner including margaritas, movie (Wedding Crashers, go see it. too hilarious!) & then hit the local indian casino. We came home with $50 more than when we walked in. Not so bad. Saturday was nice too. I got my hair done. It has been over 3 months since the last time I had my hair done. I wanted pink. My hair dresser was not really sure about this. I kinda agree. I only want pinked because I feel in such a funk & so I wanted to look like it. She talked me into red. So I have firey red & blonde highlights weave throughout my generally dark brown hair. I like it. Saturday night we went out to dinner again. I drank an electric blue lemonade. Yum! Sunday we got up & went to the movies again, taking our son to see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. I think I am one of the few that really did not care for it. Not really sure why, but did not. There were a few LOL moments, but not many. Anyway we finished the day with a yummy BBQ & then the funk came back
Yes, grief that constantly surrounds me, came back out. Last night I just lost it, again. Sobbing. Missing my baby so much. So that is my life.
I told Matt this is the new me. I will always have sadness around me but there are times when I can enjoy myself. There are times when I pretend to enjoy myself, other times it is real. Real, however is few. During all that I did, I was sad, but did it. I constantly thought about Alexa. My hairdresser had not really heard what happened. So I played it out for her. She kept asking questions, which I liked. She was pretty fascinated, because she has never known anyone to loose a baby before, let alone talk about it so openly. At the casino, I constantly thought about my baby. I went to that casino when I was 7 months pregnant with her. I remember thinking, have fun as you will not be back for a long time.
Anyway, this weekend while I was expereincing grief, I was able to go out & function like a normal person. Whether it was real or not does not really matter, as I did it. I saw the sun shine. I saw blue sky & white clouds. I saw the mountains. Life is progressing with & without me all at the same time.

Life sucks. See a pattern here? Perhaps, just perhaps someday my life will not suck. I get glimpses. I really do. I was having a terrific week. I had solitude. I had peace. I had lunch with a friend. I even made dinner (basalmic chicken & mac n' cheese, homemade not from a box). Then the night came. Why does night have come? BAM! I am thrown to the damn wall. I could feel it coming. I started to deep breathe, but it just kept coming. Before I knew it I was just sobbing. Why does that happen? It's called grief, but damn it SUCKS! See the pattern? Finally I went to bed. Woke with headache. Suns up, new day. If I am lucky, I will get a glimpse.

My kids went back to school this week. I am so so glad. My house is now quiet. I can think. I can cry. I can scream. I can sleep. It is nice. Some may say, that is not very AP of me, oh well. My kids are older, & independent & most importantly they LOVE school. While some parents have to fight to get their kids to school, I do not. While, I totally believe in homeschooling, it is not for me nor my kids.
Picture of my kids on their first day:
Speaking of school. I went back myself. That was a very hard decision. I am taking a no brainer photography class. Specifically, a digital photography class. We need to burn our photos onto CD's That is a problem, as my CD burner is not working. I asked if I can upload photos to a website & go from there. The instructer & I checked it out & all of Alexa's pictures are there. So she sees I had a baby & asked about her. I had to tell her she was stillborn & tears form in my eyes. She said that we do not need to talk about it. NO NO NO I tell her, I love talking about my baby. Do not kill her twice by not awknowledging her. She said ok. There is a book about healing through photography. She said she would let me read it. I hope she remembers.
Another thing that has helped tremendously is knitting. I have kept on knitting. Instead of soakers I am knitting purses. I started a new knitting blog: http://debstmomy.blogspot.com/ Check it out if you like!

I am sad. What is new about that? What is new is that I can now be sad all day if I want, or a least until 3:30pm when my kids get home from school. My kids are back in school today. I am very glad about that. I can cry all day & not have to worry about upsetting anyone. I can stay in bed all day & not have anyone worry about me.
Today in & of itself is hard. I had visualized taking my kids to school today, showing off a baby. While many at the school know we lost Alexa, there are many more that do not. The kids did not want us to take them to school, which is unsual. They usually beg for us to take them. They wanted to ride the bus. I let them. Usually I enjoy taking them to school. Not today. To many questions that I just can not face. We will not go to Back To School Night. We have Ambers play rehersal as an excuse, thank goodness. I don't not want to deal with people who do not know & have to explain everything.
Matt & I ran into a friend from High School. She had a screaming baby with her. In fact, I heard that baby crying from a few aisles donw in the grocery store. I told Matt, I can not stand hearing babies cry. Turns out it was her. She got in line behind us. Matt asks how old her baby is, 2 months. Oh shit. He tells her we just lost one. She says she is sorry, that she lost 3. I then pipe up, Full Term???? No, early M/C. That is not the same. She did struggle to get this wee one. This was her last try at IVF & it took. She has a precious little girl that was born 2 days after Alexa died. The babe was still wailing, & she had a cart full of groceries. I offer to help, can I hold her baby? She said yes. That felt so nice. It really does help that empy arms feeling. She is no longer breastfeeding, due to her eplilpsy. Wish I had ran into her sooner, I would have given her all that milk I had. Oh well.
After, Matt said our loses were the same. Huh?? Is this why we are not connecting? Does he not think that was lost a child? He said she is probably sad over her M/C. Yes she probably is sad. I understand that, but this is so different. She did not know gender, her babies did not have names, she did not have a closet/dresser full of clothes, she did not buy a car seat yet. While it is sad, Yes it is sad, there were not months of preperation. The delivery of that child is way different, painful yes, but different. Does my DH think losing Alexa was a M/C?
I talk to him about this, as it was bugging me. I lost a baby, a fully developed child. That is not a M/C. He agreed but feels that she probably has profound loss too. That I agree. But still it is not the same, at least in my mind.

I am cussing so much these days. Way to damn much. Way more than I ever have in my whole life, unless you count the rebellious, I'm so grown up teenager phase. But wtf, there does not seem to be words strong enough at this time, for me to express how shitty I feel these days. Well, I am sure there are, but I have no fuckin brain power to think of them. So if you are offended, don't read my blog. If you are not, thanks for accepting me where I am, right now.
Today, was an alright day. Only a few tears. I know that tears are good, but it is so fucking exhausting to cry so damn much. I get down right pissed off & then I physically feel bad. Then the damn headache comes & all hell breaks loose in my mind. So all in all, today was a good day, as all hell did not break loose. Thank goodness.

I just want to say life sucks. Then when you think it can't get any suckier, it does. Then every once & a while you might get a tootsie pop, but then it goes back to just sucks. That is my life right now. I might get a tootsie pop every once & a while, but then goes back to sucks. hmmmmmmm, when do I start getting more tootsie pops? Shit, I would even take a dum dum at this point. The ideal would be a hot lix, yes I would like a hot lix.....& I would die my hair the same color of a hot lix, that would be fun!!!!

I have met some amazing women. While I have only met one of them, irl, they are some of those that understand me most. I just love them so much & they probably have no idea of how powerful they are in my life right now. One has stated;

"This is exactly what every single one of us has had to deal with so you are normal (just in case you were wondering... )It's okay to drift away from your previous life- the activities and people that are supposed to be in your life will wait for you patiently and those that aren't, will fade away. It's not a bad thing. The course of your life has changed and it's reflected in everything. It makes us feel so uprooted and confused, but as time goes on, it becomes a "new normal". Please try not to beat yourself up for not doing things that you think you should, or not being "courageous". You are being strong and courageous simply by having the will to live each day- to wake up, and get out of bed although you feel like you want to just lay there and die or cry or whatever. Be gentle with yourself mama."

This means so much to me. I am a completly different person than I was on 6/9/05. I will never be that person again. I wish some in my life would realize that. I feel like some people in my life, even close famliy members expect me to go back being that person. That can never happen. Why can't they understand that I cry every day because I have to, not because I want to??? Why don't they understand how FUCKIN' hard it is for me to even get out of bed each day, let alone get dressed???Why can I not answer the phone, or answer the phone with a depressing Hello & not have them wondering if I am slipping into a deep depression?? I will never be that person I once was. I am never moving on, I am lucky if I get through. That is all, I just want to get through. Shit.

Tonight I am really really sad again. Just overwhelming sadness. It is two months since Alexa was born still. TWO MONTHS! I am just missing her pretty hard. I keep thinking her personality would be starting to develop now. Dh was asking if she would be consciencly smiling. Yeah, she could be. That is a hard realization. We are now going to start missing milestones, first smile, first giggle. So not fair.
Contacted my kids school today. That was a hard one. I need to make sure they will get the emotional support they need there. The principals exact words were they were very shocked & sadded by our baby's death, and that they were looking forward to enjoying our newborn baby too. Man that just made me bawl. Not that I really know these people, I do not, but we are envolved in each others life. To know that no matter how little you know a person, to know that they care & are heart broken like us, just makes me feel, oh I can not think of words. But I feel something that is for sure. I guess I feel their kindness. I also ran into a mom from Amber cheer program last year. I do not think anyone knows from there. I told her & started bawling, in the middle of Mervyns. This story goes into a small world story. Turns out she works @ the birth center. She knows my friend, & the pain that she went through when Alexa died. Man oh man what a small world. Anyway she is going to tell cheer people for me. That is nice, for I hate being in public & having to tell people. I would rather run into them, if they already know, than have to explain it over & over.

Today was my 2nd LLL meeting since Alexa passed away. It is good & bad at the same time, if that makes any sense. It is good, because I really love what I do. I truly enjoy being around Moms & babies. Bad, because it make me miss Alexa even more. There was a babe there, that would have been 2 weeks younger than Alexa. She had such tiny feet this baby, Alexa was born with even bigger feet than this babe has now! It was wonderful & bittersweet to hold her all at the same time. My tears flowed at the meeting, I hope that did not freak anyone out. Also when we intro ourselves & our children, I mention Alexa, I hope that does not freak anyone out. I found out at the meeting my cousin is 18 weeks pregnant. She was pregnant when we lost Alexa. While she did not share with anyone the news of her pregnancy, she was especially nervous to tell me. I hate it when people are trying to "protect" me. In actuallity that hurts even more. While I understand where it is coming from & the reasoning behind it; I am not like that. I am a tell it like it is kind of gal. And if I do cry or get teary, please know it is not that you hurt me or made me feel vulnerable, it is because I miss my dear Alexa so much. Please talk to me about my baby. I love that! Do not make her die twice by not acknowledgeing her life or exsistance. She did have life & existance. I love her. Think of it this way, if you lose you best friend due to death, you still would want to talk about her wouldn't you? Or if you lost an older child, you would want to talk about how they did this & that in their life. The same for me, I want, desire to talk about my baby.
Tomorrow it is 2 months since Alexa passed. I am still bleeding damn it. I decicded to go on hormonal birth control. While I hate them, I hate bleeding all the time more. It is sad for me though, as I know they will dry up what milk I have left. Oh well, perhaps getting me regulated out will help me concieve another child eaiser. Lets see, with Amber I did not have a period when I went off them, with Austin & Alexa I was pregnant with in 3 months of going off them. So if history repeats itself, I could be pregnant from December to March of next year. That is not so bad. I will keep my finger crossed & everyone reading this blog, do so too!!
I know alot more people are reading this blog with out commenting. Feel free to do so! Thanks everyone for their continued support. I need it & appreciate it very VERY much. Hugs & Love. Cristina

8 weeks and a day. That was when my darling baby was born sleeping. It still seems so surreal. There are times when I am so encompasssed in grief & that I feel I can not go on. Yet, I do. Then are times when I think I have a handle on this grief thing. Yet I do not. Time passes in chunks & I realized that I was not remembering every detail of her birth. My sisters says I called her. I did not remember that until she told me of our conversation. She was so mad that they made me wait to have my surgery. I did not mind waiting, but it really bothered people. They thought that the mental torture of making me wait was doing me harm. It did not.. In fact I do cherish those last few hours pregnant with Alexa. Matt & I took a walk around the hospital. I do not recall much of what was said, but I remember doing it. My friends also helped recall my memories of when I called them as well. Jess said it was going to be ok, (this was before the ultrasound confirmed she had died) and I guess I firmly told her, No it is not OK. I do not remember that. Michelle asked me how I was doing, I kept repeating I am ok, I am ok. She then states, Well I am not ok. Wow, I forgot alot. I guess that is how the brain protects you. I am glad they can piece it all together for me to remember. I need to keep the memories. That is important to me.
I think what has helped me through all this is meeting other Mom's that have had stillborns. Some are on subsequent pregnancies & others are new to their grief like me. Somehow we support each other. I like that. I hope I remain friends with them for a long time.