Solitude. I love it! I LOVE IT! I am finding peace when I am home alone. Which for me is interesting.When I was single, I lived alone. I hated it. I hated being alone. Now, I love it. Funny how time & progression changes you.
All & all I had a pretty good weekend. Friday night Matt & I had a date. We did dinner including margaritas, movie (Wedding Crashers, go see it. too hilarious!) & then hit the local indian casino. We came home with $50 more than when we walked in. Not so bad. Saturday was nice too. I got my hair done. It has been over 3 months since the last time I had my hair done. I wanted pink. My hair dresser was not really sure about this. I kinda agree. I only want pinked because I feel in such a funk & so I wanted to look like it. She talked me into red. So I have firey red & blonde highlights weave throughout my generally dark brown hair. I like it. Saturday night we went out to dinner again. I drank an electric blue lemonade. Yum! Sunday we got up & went to the movies again, taking our son to see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. I think I am one of the few that really did not care for it. Not really sure why, but did not. There were a few LOL moments, but not many. Anyway we finished the day with a yummy BBQ & then the funk came back
Yes, grief that constantly surrounds me, came back out. Last night I just lost it, again. Sobbing. Missing my baby so much. So that is my life.
I told Matt this is the new me. I will always have sadness around me but there are times when I can enjoy myself. There are times when I pretend to enjoy myself, other times it is real. Real, however is few. During all that I did, I was sad, but did it. I constantly thought about Alexa. My hairdresser had not really heard what happened. So I played it out for her. She kept asking questions, which I liked. She was pretty fascinated, because she has never known anyone to loose a baby before, let alone talk about it so openly. At the casino, I constantly thought about my baby. I went to that casino when I was 7 months pregnant with her. I remember thinking, have fun as you will not be back for a long time.
Anyway, this weekend while I was expereincing grief, I was able to go out & function like a normal person. Whether it was real or not does not really matter, as I did it. I saw the sun shine. I saw blue sky & white clouds. I saw the mountains. Life is progressing with & without me all at the same time.
All & all I had a pretty good weekend. Friday night Matt & I had a date. We did dinner including margaritas, movie (Wedding Crashers, go see it. too hilarious!) & then hit the local indian casino. We came home with $50 more than when we walked in. Not so bad. Saturday was nice too. I got my hair done. It has been over 3 months since the last time I had my hair done. I wanted pink. My hair dresser was not really sure about this. I kinda agree. I only want pinked because I feel in such a funk & so I wanted to look like it. She talked me into red. So I have firey red & blonde highlights weave throughout my generally dark brown hair. I like it. Saturday night we went out to dinner again. I drank an electric blue lemonade. Yum! Sunday we got up & went to the movies again, taking our son to see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. I think I am one of the few that really did not care for it. Not really sure why, but did not. There were a few LOL moments, but not many. Anyway we finished the day with a yummy BBQ & then the funk came back
Yes, grief that constantly surrounds me, came back out. Last night I just lost it, again. Sobbing. Missing my baby so much. So that is my life.
I told Matt this is the new me. I will always have sadness around me but there are times when I can enjoy myself. There are times when I pretend to enjoy myself, other times it is real. Real, however is few. During all that I did, I was sad, but did it. I constantly thought about Alexa. My hairdresser had not really heard what happened. So I played it out for her. She kept asking questions, which I liked. She was pretty fascinated, because she has never known anyone to loose a baby before, let alone talk about it so openly. At the casino, I constantly thought about my baby. I went to that casino when I was 7 months pregnant with her. I remember thinking, have fun as you will not be back for a long time.
Anyway, this weekend while I was expereincing grief, I was able to go out & function like a normal person. Whether it was real or not does not really matter, as I did it. I saw the sun shine. I saw blue sky & white clouds. I saw the mountains. Life is progressing with & without me all at the same time.
posted by Debstmomy @ 8:28 AM
1 Comments:
At 10:44 PM,
Korin said…
That's just the truth, isn't it. Grief changes you. You'll never be the person you were, and people need to accept that. But you are amazing for living through this grief. Amazing.
Love to you!
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