I just want to say life sucks. Then when you think it can't get any suckier, it does. Then every once & a while you might get a tootsie pop, but then it goes back to just sucks. That is my life right now. I might get a tootsie pop every once & a while, but then goes back to sucks. hmmmmmmm, when do I start getting more tootsie pops? Shit, I would even take a dum dum at this point. The ideal would be a hot lix, yes I would like a hot lix.....& I would die my hair the same color of a hot lix, that would be fun!!!!

I have met some amazing women. While I have only met one of them, irl, they are some of those that understand me most. I just love them so much & they probably have no idea of how powerful they are in my life right now. One has stated;

"This is exactly what every single one of us has had to deal with so you are normal (just in case you were wondering... )It's okay to drift away from your previous life- the activities and people that are supposed to be in your life will wait for you patiently and those that aren't, will fade away. It's not a bad thing. The course of your life has changed and it's reflected in everything. It makes us feel so uprooted and confused, but as time goes on, it becomes a "new normal". Please try not to beat yourself up for not doing things that you think you should, or not being "courageous". You are being strong and courageous simply by having the will to live each day- to wake up, and get out of bed although you feel like you want to just lay there and die or cry or whatever. Be gentle with yourself mama."

This means so much to me. I am a completly different person than I was on 6/9/05. I will never be that person again. I wish some in my life would realize that. I feel like some people in my life, even close famliy members expect me to go back being that person. That can never happen. Why can't they understand that I cry every day because I have to, not because I want to??? Why don't they understand how FUCKIN' hard it is for me to even get out of bed each day, let alone get dressed???Why can I not answer the phone, or answer the phone with a depressing Hello & not have them wondering if I am slipping into a deep depression?? I will never be that person I once was. I am never moving on, I am lucky if I get through. That is all, I just want to get through. Shit.