Today was my 2nd LLL meeting since Alexa passed away. It is good & bad at the same time, if that makes any sense. It is good, because I really love what I do. I truly enjoy being around Moms & babies. Bad, because it make me miss Alexa even more. There was a babe there, that would have been 2 weeks younger than Alexa. She had such tiny feet this baby, Alexa was born with even bigger feet than this babe has now! It was wonderful & bittersweet to hold her all at the same time. My tears flowed at the meeting, I hope that did not freak anyone out. Also when we intro ourselves & our children, I mention Alexa, I hope that does not freak anyone out. I found out at the meeting my cousin is 18 weeks pregnant. She was pregnant when we lost Alexa. While she did not share with anyone the news of her pregnancy, she was especially nervous to tell me. I hate it when people are trying to "protect" me. In actuallity that hurts even more. While I understand where it is coming from & the reasoning behind it; I am not like that. I am a tell it like it is kind of gal. And if I do cry or get teary, please know it is not that you hurt me or made me feel vulnerable, it is because I miss my dear Alexa so much. Please talk to me about my baby. I love that! Do not make her die twice by not acknowledgeing her life or exsistance. She did have life & existance. I love her. Think of it this way, if you lose you best friend due to death, you still would want to talk about her wouldn't you? Or if you lost an older child, you would want to talk about how they did this & that in their life. The same for me, I want, desire to talk about my baby.
Tomorrow it is 2 months since Alexa passed. I am still bleeding damn it. I decicded to go on hormonal birth control. While I hate them, I hate bleeding all the time more. It is sad for me though, as I know they will dry up what milk I have left. Oh well, perhaps getting me regulated out will help me concieve another child eaiser. Lets see, with Amber I did not have a period when I went off them, with Austin & Alexa I was pregnant with in 3 months of going off them. So if history repeats itself, I could be pregnant from December to March of next year. That is not so bad. I will keep my finger crossed & everyone reading this blog, do so too!!
I know alot more people are reading this blog with out commenting. Feel free to do so! Thanks everyone for their continued support. I need it & appreciate it very VERY much. Hugs & Love. Cristina