Yesterday was July 4, 2005. That was one of my hardest days. Why? Because I had dreamt about taking Alexa to the fireworks display, dressed in white, me in blue & she in her cranberry red sling. I thought about it being her first holiday & how I would be showing her off to everyone we ran into a the stadium. Instead, I cried all day long about how I was missing her, missing showing her off. I hate that I do not have my daughter anymore. I am angry that she is not here. I miss her so much.
I tried to get into the holiday. I painted my toes patriotic. Had Matt go get BBQ stuff. We even drove over a few blocks & pulled onto the side of the road & watched two fireworks displays. But I was still sad. Nothing brought a smile to my face. I miss my daughter so much. I just do not understand why we have been dealt such a horrible hand. It is not fair!! I do not know how to get through this. I still have times when I can not breathe. When will I breathe again without making a conscience effort. We are taking the kids to Disneyland today. Just for a half day. I really do not feel like going to "The happiest place on earth" but I need to keep going for my kids. In fact, that is the only reason I keep going. My kids & husband. I just want to die half of the time, but know that I can not. I still have other children that need me. I am glad for them. They have no idea of what they mean to me. Perhaps one day they will.