My daughter died 8 days ago
While I have been hand writing in a journal, I have decided to step up to technology & write a blog. Just think, months ago I had no idea what a blog was, & now I am using one to memorilize my sweet, Alexa Rose & to journal my grief.
Alexa Rose was born still, 6/10/05 at 42 weeks after what was a pretty uneventful pregnancy. Here is her birth story.On Thursday evening my family & I went walking a the local market night, trying to start labor. When I was walking I had a huge muscle spasm on the left side of my uterus. I did not think much of it. Later that night, Alexa was moving like crazy. We were watching & enjoying that so much! (I do not know if it has anything to do with what happened, but that was the only pain I had suffered.) The next morining I woke up with a cold. I called my midwife to see what I could take being at term. After about 1 1/2 hours of being awake, I noticed she had not moved. I went & laid down, to do a kick count. Nothing. I drank juice & ice water, nothing. So I called my midwife back, and told her I had not felt movement this morning, (it is now noon), and that I wanted to have a heart rate check. She was about 45 minutes away. She got to my home & we went into my bedroom. She looked for a heartbeat for about 10 minutes & I kept saying, Oh my God, I knew this was going to happen. (Call is a feeling. I will write about this later.) I told my midwife, I know she is gone, lets just go to the hospital. She was so diligent looking for a HB and wanted to keep trying. I told her I was ready to leave. Anyway, we called the hospital. They told us to come & go through the ER. My DH happened to be working at the hospital that day, and I had him go to the ER before we got there and ask what we were to do. The ER told him to have me go straight to L & D. Then they aksed who my Dr. is. I told them, I had been seeing a midwife & Dr. V. They said, Dr. V does not back up any midwife. I said that Dr. V is not her back up but that I had concurrent care. The nurses then very snotty said, you saw him early on & quit. I said no, I saw him until 37 weeks. Anyway, they finally get me into a room. If anything is good about this horrible nightmare, Dr. V was the emergency on call OB. He came in very peacefully. That was so nice. The ultrasound machine was already in the room & he scanned my belly. I could see her spine, head, legs, but no movement. Nothing, just a still baby. They then has ultrasound come in and verify that my baby had died. I did not even give them a chance to give me options. I knew I wanted a c-sec. (My mom had a late term still born & it was hell. After hearing that story all my life I knew what I wanted.) I knew that once I had this c-sec, any future children would be c-sec (which we are). My midwife then told me how hard physically my recovery would be, but I was ok with that. It took about 2-3 hours to finally hae the surgery. Waiting was hard, as I just wanted it to be over. I just wanted to hold her & look at her & love her & kiss her. She was born still at 6:15pm. My Dh was with me. He got to hold her right away. I held her in recovery. I did hours of skin to skin with her. She was so soft. She looked like she was sleeping. They finally got me into my room at 9:30pm where my family & friend were waiting. Actually, my kids came in first to hold her. They handled this so well. We bathed her as a family and dressed her. We took a foot mold. I dressed her in the knit soaker I had made for her. We had her for 7 hours after she was born. My mom baptized her during her bath. We just loved on her. She looks just like my other two kids did when they were born. Lots of dark hair, fair skin. She was smaller than my other two. She was 7lbs 6oz & 20 inches. They were 8lbs 7oz & 8lbs 10oz & 22 inches. She looked absolutly perfect. I will alway have a hole in my heart for my Alexa. She had such a short life, but a very loved & nurtured life. We are planning her funeral. Going home from the hospital was very hard. Seeing all her beautiful things. I am trying to remember the positive pregnancy that I had. I have many unanswered questions, and I am not sure if they will ever get answered. Somehow though, I knew all along she was going to be born to die. It is wired, like she was talking to me and telling me all along.
We burried our sweet Alexa Rose yesterday. After a few pre-prayer service hiccups, flowers were wrong & then corrected, music lost & then found, we started. Father Jerry had the perfect homily, him being a father of 2 grown children, he knows the love of children, and perhaps knows the depth of our loss. I grieve. I am in pain. I have never felt such pain. Will it ever go away?????? I pray to God it does, I could not live like this forever. I have a void, as my friend delicately puts it, I have empty arms. That is so true. My arms are empty. Nothing to hold. My breasts swell with milk, & I pump it out, but it is not the same. I want a babe to suckle & grow from my breasts. Not a machine to do it & then throw the milk out. Some say save it, I say why? Would God let this happen again? I sure hope not, my heart can not handle that.
The cards & flowers keep coming. I would trade it all in a second to have my Alexa back. I can not say it enough, I miss her, I miss her, I miss her. Nothing I do will bring her back, I know but I say it & wish it over & over. Grief. What is it about that word? Nothing seems right. I am what? I do not know. I am a mother. A very good mother. Why does this happen to good people? My husband is an excellent father, he does not deserve such pain either. So many questions? Zero Answers.
I will end now my first blog. will answers ever come????
Alexa Rose was born still, 6/10/05 at 42 weeks after what was a pretty uneventful pregnancy. Here is her birth story.On Thursday evening my family & I went walking a the local market night, trying to start labor. When I was walking I had a huge muscle spasm on the left side of my uterus. I did not think much of it. Later that night, Alexa was moving like crazy. We were watching & enjoying that so much! (I do not know if it has anything to do with what happened, but that was the only pain I had suffered.) The next morining I woke up with a cold. I called my midwife to see what I could take being at term. After about 1 1/2 hours of being awake, I noticed she had not moved. I went & laid down, to do a kick count. Nothing. I drank juice & ice water, nothing. So I called my midwife back, and told her I had not felt movement this morning, (it is now noon), and that I wanted to have a heart rate check. She was about 45 minutes away. She got to my home & we went into my bedroom. She looked for a heartbeat for about 10 minutes & I kept saying, Oh my God, I knew this was going to happen. (Call is a feeling. I will write about this later.) I told my midwife, I know she is gone, lets just go to the hospital. She was so diligent looking for a HB and wanted to keep trying. I told her I was ready to leave. Anyway, we called the hospital. They told us to come & go through the ER. My DH happened to be working at the hospital that day, and I had him go to the ER before we got there and ask what we were to do. The ER told him to have me go straight to L & D. Then they aksed who my Dr. is. I told them, I had been seeing a midwife & Dr. V. They said, Dr. V does not back up any midwife. I said that Dr. V is not her back up but that I had concurrent care. The nurses then very snotty said, you saw him early on & quit. I said no, I saw him until 37 weeks. Anyway, they finally get me into a room. If anything is good about this horrible nightmare, Dr. V was the emergency on call OB. He came in very peacefully. That was so nice. The ultrasound machine was already in the room & he scanned my belly. I could see her spine, head, legs, but no movement. Nothing, just a still baby. They then has ultrasound come in and verify that my baby had died. I did not even give them a chance to give me options. I knew I wanted a c-sec. (My mom had a late term still born & it was hell. After hearing that story all my life I knew what I wanted.) I knew that once I had this c-sec, any future children would be c-sec (which we are). My midwife then told me how hard physically my recovery would be, but I was ok with that. It took about 2-3 hours to finally hae the surgery. Waiting was hard, as I just wanted it to be over. I just wanted to hold her & look at her & love her & kiss her. She was born still at 6:15pm. My Dh was with me. He got to hold her right away. I held her in recovery. I did hours of skin to skin with her. She was so soft. She looked like she was sleeping. They finally got me into my room at 9:30pm where my family & friend were waiting. Actually, my kids came in first to hold her. They handled this so well. We bathed her as a family and dressed her. We took a foot mold. I dressed her in the knit soaker I had made for her. We had her for 7 hours after she was born. My mom baptized her during her bath. We just loved on her. She looks just like my other two kids did when they were born. Lots of dark hair, fair skin. She was smaller than my other two. She was 7lbs 6oz & 20 inches. They were 8lbs 7oz & 8lbs 10oz & 22 inches. She looked absolutly perfect. I will alway have a hole in my heart for my Alexa. She had such a short life, but a very loved & nurtured life. We are planning her funeral. Going home from the hospital was very hard. Seeing all her beautiful things. I am trying to remember the positive pregnancy that I had. I have many unanswered questions, and I am not sure if they will ever get answered. Somehow though, I knew all along she was going to be born to die. It is wired, like she was talking to me and telling me all along.
We burried our sweet Alexa Rose yesterday. After a few pre-prayer service hiccups, flowers were wrong & then corrected, music lost & then found, we started. Father Jerry had the perfect homily, him being a father of 2 grown children, he knows the love of children, and perhaps knows the depth of our loss. I grieve. I am in pain. I have never felt such pain. Will it ever go away?????? I pray to God it does, I could not live like this forever. I have a void, as my friend delicately puts it, I have empty arms. That is so true. My arms are empty. Nothing to hold. My breasts swell with milk, & I pump it out, but it is not the same. I want a babe to suckle & grow from my breasts. Not a machine to do it & then throw the milk out. Some say save it, I say why? Would God let this happen again? I sure hope not, my heart can not handle that.
The cards & flowers keep coming. I would trade it all in a second to have my Alexa back. I can not say it enough, I miss her, I miss her, I miss her. Nothing I do will bring her back, I know but I say it & wish it over & over. Grief. What is it about that word? Nothing seems right. I am what? I do not know. I am a mother. A very good mother. Why does this happen to good people? My husband is an excellent father, he does not deserve such pain either. So many questions? Zero Answers.
I will end now my first blog. will answers ever come????
posted by Debstmomy @ 1:41 PM
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