Why is it that, just when I think I am going to be ok, I get this overwhelming saddness crawl over me? Today I am missing my darling, Alexa so MUCH! It takes my breath away, and I do not know how to breathe. I think about when I was pregnant with her & all that I was looking forward to. I remember my Blessing Way, and how she moved when the henna was applied to my belly. I remember going to the Midwife & how I loved hearing her heart beat. Why couldn't her heart keep beating?? Why did she die?? Why have I been dealt this horrible tragidy? Why does my family have to feel so much pain??? Oh God, how can I keep going on???
I feel like my husband & I are on a teater totter. Some days are great & we talk really well. Other days we are both so short fused, and no connecting. Such a change from a month ago & we had no worries. This is definitely the worse time in my life!!
A year ago, I dreamt of going to the LLLI conference. I was planning in my head how I could go. Then I find out I am pregnant. There was no way I could go with a 1 month old, so I resolved not to go. Then I have a dead baby, and not doing the baby things I thought I would be doing that was keeping me from going. I visit LLLI website & see all that I am missing. Then it brings me back to why I am not there, because I had a baby but she is not here. Never to be here. My heart weeps. I cry huge tears. I am so sad, sad that I have no baby. Nothing to show of the wonderful pregnancy I had.
I have been wishing I had kept a pregnancy blog. I need to get those memories down, as those are the only memories I will have of Alexa. So not fair.