Confused

Well, I am not crying every moment of the day, I think that is good. But I am still very very sad. I am tired of being sad all the time, as it is taxing. But what happiness can I have right now. I know my kids are awsome & healthy, and that makes me happy, but that does not take me out of my fog. It is so confusing.
I am also confused with what to do. Not just with my life, but with my daily tasks. I keep think of what I "should" be doing if Alexa was still alive. I should be holding a baby, changing diapers, nursing, all those baby things I was looking forward too. I miss them. I yearn for them. Will that go away too? It is hard.
I miss Alexa so much. It encompasses me. I ventured out of the house for really the first time yesterday, with my wonderful husband. It was hard. I saw babies & pregnant women EVERYWHERE! Every place we went they were there! I just pray that their babies make it safely into this world & I wish those that are born get many hugs & kisses from their Mommies. How in the world am I going to go back to working with babies???? Where will I find the strength?? My desire is there, for I love working with them, but the pain I feel when I see them is overwhelming. Oh what to do!!!