Gone for 12 days

My dear Alexa has been gone for 12 days. It seems so surreal. I am in a haze/fog. When people ask how I am doing, I say "I am muddling through." There are times when the pain is so fierce, and I am sobbing & have no idea where my next breath will come from. Then I breathe & it passes, and I wait to feel better, but it has not come. Then I find myself like zombie without a brain, staring into blank space, and I have to bring myself back to reality. I know in order to heal, that I have to feel each feeling, to the fullest. Accept it & embrace it.
Grief is an interesting thing. While I had grief with my fathers passing, it was nothing like this. When he passed it was a big sigh of relief, Dad is no longer in pain, struggling. With Alexa, she never new life outside the womb. She did not get a life here on this earth. She never saw my face, that makes me sad. I know she heard our voices, but she never got to see her family. That is a hard one to swallow. It is not as if she did not know love. Oh, how I loved her inside me. I nurtured her, I hugged my belly. I sang songs to her & talked to her. I have grief that she never got to see her Mom & Dad & her brother & sister. My Dh says that probably made it eaiser for her go, than for us to let her go. That is so true, maybe perhaps. I have to think about that one.
I am working on letting go of the guilt. I did the best with the information I had then. If I had known that this was going to happen, I would have changed my path in a second. But I did not know. I had no warning. I was informed & I made the choices I thought were best at the time. It is time to stop blaming myself, for I am not to blame. It just is. That is hard to accept. It just is. For I want to have had control & but didn't. I wanted to trust the process & it failed me, not I failed it.
Dear Alexa, know you Mama loves you & misses, and will every day of her life. My sweet baby girl.