8 weeks and a day. That was when my darling baby was born sleeping. It still seems so surreal. There are times when I am so encompasssed in grief & that I feel I can not go on. Yet, I do. Then are times when I think I have a handle on this grief thing. Yet I do not. Time passes in chunks & I realized that I was not remembering every detail of her birth. My sisters says I called her. I did not remember that until she told me of our conversation. She was so mad that they made me wait to have my surgery. I did not mind waiting, but it really bothered people. They thought that the mental torture of making me wait was doing me harm. It did not.. In fact I do cherish those last few hours pregnant with Alexa. Matt & I took a walk around the hospital. I do not recall much of what was said, but I remember doing it. My friends also helped recall my memories of when I called them as well. Jess said it was going to be ok, (this was before the ultrasound confirmed she had died) and I guess I firmly told her, No it is not OK. I do not remember that. Michelle asked me how I was doing, I kept repeating I am ok, I am ok. She then states, Well I am not ok. Wow, I forgot alot. I guess that is how the brain protects you. I am glad they can piece it all together for me to remember. I need to keep the memories. That is important to me.
I think what has helped me through all this is meeting other Mom's that have had stillborns. Some are on subsequent pregnancies & others are new to their grief like me. Somehow we support each other. I like that. I hope I remain friends with them for a long time.