Today is my husbands birthday. I have not prepared a thing. I hope he forgives me. I just have had no energy or desiree to do anything. I am sure it is the greif that is making me feel this way. I saw my OB yesterday. I was so nervous to go speak with him. As usual, the fear of something is much worse than the actual event. It went so smoothly. The nurse put me in a room right away. He checked my incision & then we talked about Alexa. Unfortunatly we are part of that 70% of stillborns, that will never get an answer. It just is. Her placenta was perfect, she was perfect, there are no reasons. My OB has a theory that SIDS is a continum of SADS. He feels that if we had taken Alexa earlier, via c-sec or induction, that there is a probability that she could have succombed to SIDS. That is something to think about. Matt has thought about it in that context as well. So has my midwife. I don't know. I guess that is true, since I had such strong feeling about her not living here on earth as well.
Tuesday is a LLL meeting. I feel a strong desire to be there, but yet, I am not sure. Again, it is the fear is usually worse than the actual event. My LLL friends are like family, that is not the part I fear. I am nervous about being around new Moms. I am supposed to be a new Mom too! I was pregnant, very pregnant & now no baby. It is so surreal. Last night when I went to bed, I could swear that I felt her moving. Matt said he was sorry I was feeling that way, I took comfort in it. I miss her so much. I told him it did not bother me bcause, I want to remember, since that is all I have of her.