Well I did it. I made it back to my first La Leche Leauge meeting since Alexa died. It was so hard to walk into that room. I took a big breath & opened the door. The first to see me was Beth. She greated me with a huge smile & an even bigger hug. I went & sat down, the meeting was already in progress, and scanned the room. So many familar faces, it felt right. There were two new mama's there. Turns out one had a 3 week old baby, & the other a 6 week. The 3 week baby was the first birth after Alexa died for my friend/doula. I heard about that birth then & it brought tears to my eyes. I was so sad when I heard about it, for my own pain, not because of her experience. That is when I questioned wheter I could go back to helping Mom's. Anyway, I sat quietly for majority of the meeting. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I feared the moment I opened my mouth I would burst into tears. Towards the end of the meeting I finally started contributing. That felt nice. I really & truly love helping the Moms & Babes. At the end, I wanted to thank all of my LLL family for what their support has meant to me. Of course this is when the tears came. The two new Mama's had not heard our story, so I told them. Everyone was so kind. It felt so nice to talk about Alexa. She would have had many friends that love her. I keep that in the present tense, because even though she is not here, she is still loved so much. Not just by her family but all her friends. It is beacuse of Alexa, that I have realized how special my friends are to me. They are wonderful & I am so blessed.