We are home from WA. Back to reality. I did not want to come back. WA is so beautiful!! All the people I met there we so nice and compassionate. I went to a "Knit till you drop" at a yarn store that I found. (The best yarn store I have ever been in BTW!) I met some great ladies & I shared Alexa's story & pictures with them. One even shed tears with me, a perfect stranger cried with me. Amazing how my daughter has touched so many people. I met a WONDERFUL MDC mama there. We had been talking via PM and met IRL. That was so nice. She has had one other baby since her loss & is pregnant again. Gives me hope. How I want a baby to hold! The desire is so bad. So is the fear. Fear of another bad outcome. I met another Mama there too. My sisters friend who also lost a baby. She said having her daughter was so healing after losing her son. That is what I want, healing. I know it will come, I just want it sooner than later.
Faith. What does that mean? I have no idea. God. What is that?? We are told God loves us, that he died for us. He does not like his people to suffer, and yet we do. I have to say that this is the biggest test of faith I have ever had. I had strong faith, not anymore. I question everything I was taught to believe in. Wow, I actually finally put that in words. I really wonder about God lately. I prayed that Alexa would be alright during my pregnancy. I told God. "I give it to you" & I did & this is what I got. So not fair to those that have faith. My sister says not to lose faith, that I will be soul less without it. Become like my other sister, whom I want nothing to do with. She is soul less. I do not want to be like her that is for sure. But how could my God let this happen, if he loves us so much? I do not get it. I prayed that he would not let my other children hurt so much & he did. Austin asked why tonight. I have no answers. I question my faith everyday now. My sister says be angry at God, but isn't that losing faith too. They teach us that God is always with us & that we are not alone. Well I damn well feel like I am alone. I know that no one that loves me would have wanted this to happen, yet they say God loves us & he let this happen. Does not make sense to me. I need to figure this out, perhaps some day I will.