I am sad. What is new about that? What is new is that I can now be sad all day if I want, or a least until 3:30pm when my kids get home from school. My kids are back in school today. I am very glad about that. I can cry all day & not have to worry about upsetting anyone. I can stay in bed all day & not have anyone worry about me.
Today in & of itself is hard. I had visualized taking my kids to school today, showing off a baby. While many at the school know we lost Alexa, there are many more that do not. The kids did not want us to take them to school, which is unsual. They usually beg for us to take them. They wanted to ride the bus. I let them. Usually I enjoy taking them to school. Not today. To many questions that I just can not face. We will not go to Back To School Night. We have Ambers play rehersal as an excuse, thank goodness. I don't not want to deal with people who do not know & have to explain everything.
Matt & I ran into a friend from High School. She had a screaming baby with her. In fact, I heard that baby crying from a few aisles donw in the grocery store. I told Matt, I can not stand hearing babies cry. Turns out it was her. She got in line behind us. Matt asks how old her baby is, 2 months. Oh shit. He tells her we just lost one. She says she is sorry, that she lost 3. I then pipe up, Full Term???? No, early M/C. That is not the same. She did struggle to get this wee one. This was her last try at IVF & it took. She has a precious little girl that was born 2 days after Alexa died. The babe was still wailing, & she had a cart full of groceries. I offer to help, can I hold her baby? She said yes. That felt so nice. It really does help that empy arms feeling. She is no longer breastfeeding, due to her eplilpsy. Wish I had ran into her sooner, I would have given her all that milk I had. Oh well.
After, Matt said our loses were the same. Huh?? Is this why we are not connecting? Does he not think that was lost a child? He said she is probably sad over her M/C. Yes she probably is sad. I understand that, but this is so different. She did not know gender, her babies did not have names, she did not have a closet/dresser full of clothes, she did not buy a car seat yet. While it is sad, Yes it is sad, there were not months of preperation. The delivery of that child is way different, painful yes, but different. Does my DH think losing Alexa was a M/C?
I talk to him about this, as it was bugging me. I lost a baby, a fully developed child. That is not a M/C. He agreed but feels that she probably has profound loss too. That I agree. But still it is not the same, at least in my mind.
Today in & of itself is hard. I had visualized taking my kids to school today, showing off a baby. While many at the school know we lost Alexa, there are many more that do not. The kids did not want us to take them to school, which is unsual. They usually beg for us to take them. They wanted to ride the bus. I let them. Usually I enjoy taking them to school. Not today. To many questions that I just can not face. We will not go to Back To School Night. We have Ambers play rehersal as an excuse, thank goodness. I don't not want to deal with people who do not know & have to explain everything.
Matt & I ran into a friend from High School. She had a screaming baby with her. In fact, I heard that baby crying from a few aisles donw in the grocery store. I told Matt, I can not stand hearing babies cry. Turns out it was her. She got in line behind us. Matt asks how old her baby is, 2 months. Oh shit. He tells her we just lost one. She says she is sorry, that she lost 3. I then pipe up, Full Term???? No, early M/C. That is not the same. She did struggle to get this wee one. This was her last try at IVF & it took. She has a precious little girl that was born 2 days after Alexa died. The babe was still wailing, & she had a cart full of groceries. I offer to help, can I hold her baby? She said yes. That felt so nice. It really does help that empy arms feeling. She is no longer breastfeeding, due to her eplilpsy. Wish I had ran into her sooner, I would have given her all that milk I had. Oh well.
After, Matt said our loses were the same. Huh?? Is this why we are not connecting? Does he not think that was lost a child? He said she is probably sad over her M/C. Yes she probably is sad. I understand that, but this is so different. She did not know gender, her babies did not have names, she did not have a closet/dresser full of clothes, she did not buy a car seat yet. While it is sad, Yes it is sad, there were not months of preperation. The delivery of that child is way different, painful yes, but different. Does my DH think losing Alexa was a M/C?
I talk to him about this, as it was bugging me. I lost a baby, a fully developed child. That is not a M/C. He agreed but feels that she probably has profound loss too. That I agree. But still it is not the same, at least in my mind.
posted by Debstmomy @ 7:56 AM
2 Comments:
At 10:58 AM,
Korin said…
Not at all the same. I have experienced neither, but I just don't think they can be classified as the same thing. They are both incredibly painful, and heartbreaking, but so different.
I'm sorry your husband isn't on the same page as you. have you guys thought about seeing a greif counselor?
Much love to you.
At 6:32 PM,
Unknown said…
I cant help but cry when I read your blog, but yet I cant stay away. I lost my second son at 35 weeks. That was almost 4 years ago and each and everyday (still) I can speak your words. Please know you are not alone mama.
Post a Comment
<< Home