A year ago today: I was at the Beauty & The Beast broadway show performance. I knew I was pregnant. I was freaking out. What about school? Oh shit I am going to be a new Mom AGAIN. What the HELL am I going to do??? This was not part of the five year plan!!!! Kids are happy, Matt is in shock. I am in DENIAL! Am I really not going to be able to start nursing school, because I am going to be NURSING!!! WTF!! I am nauseated. I need to leave this theatre now, I do not feel good! Play is over, we go to Olive Garden. Still feeling sick. Oh shit! Did I really just tell my cousins I am pregnant. OH SHIT! I am pregnant!!! How the fuck did that happen??????


Today: Holy shit. My baby is dead. Wow this year has really changed me. What am I supposed to do NOW???? No more 5 year plan. No baby that is nursing. My kids are sad. I am sad. My husband is sad. We keep living. The sun comes up the sun goes down. Life keeps going. What is the point of it all??? I have no answers. I never thought I would be sitting her typing a year later how messed up it all is. How I feel sad at random times. How I have to try to feel joy in each day. How I feel that the universe had played a mean cruel joke on the Salmon family. How everything I have been taught is a lie.
I have new friends. They are WONDERFUL. I have old friends, they are THE BEST. I am thankful for my friends.

It has been sort of an emotional week. The choking feeling comes & goes. Sometimes tears come & sometimes they don't. Someone on my MOA group posted asking how we have changed. I am trying to figure that out. I know I am different, but exactly how I can not figure out. I know I get pissed off pretty easy now, but not sure if that is because of this experience. I am also more laid back @ the same time. It is pretty confusing. I know I cusss more!! I still love helping Moms & babies, but I also have less tolerance for those that do not parent the way I do. This woman PISSED ME OFF TODAY! Actually two woman. Boy, I really could have gone off if I and wanted to. Now I wish I had. Next time I will.....hahahaha!
Amber had a nightmare this week & a burst of tears today. In her nightmare, I had died. I was in a coffin in the living room & the flowers were floating. Poor Baby. Both my babies are having many thoughts of death. She could not go back to sleep alone after that. It was a restless night that is for sure, she is not as small as she used to be.
Tomorrow we go to Disneyland. That is one thing that has changed, before I would have NEVER let my kids play hooky to go to an amusement park. Now I think life is too short. Matt is off, so lets go. So we are. Not that we are going to make a habit of it, but hell why not? So after Austin's physical in the morning, we are off. Taking my knitting of course.

I feel a huge wave of emotion coming on. I can feel the huge ball in my throat, like I am choking to death. I just need to let it all out, but I feel like such crap afterwards. It is not like, you feel sick to your stomach & so you throw up & you feel better, NO it is more like you drink all night, puke your guts out & still feel like shit in the morning. Can not find a better analogy, sorry. Lets see, 1 week before Aunt Flo, so that is about right, a BIG CRASH is coming. It just sucks to hell, I tell ya & there is nothing I can do about it. I guess I could take the valium I have left from the car accident a year ago, but what would that really do? Take it all away, nope. I still would feel like shit. So I guess I just have to feel like shit for awhile & know that I will feel better eventually. Ya know these burst of emotion, they confuse the heck out of me, what do they do to my family? I know grieving is healthy & I have really faced this grief head on, but I wonder what my kids & husband truly see & feel. Austin had a breakdown last week. He did not want to go to sleep for fear of dying. He did not want us to go to bed without him for fear of us dying. He wanted to know what dying felt like. What happens when we die. Such obession with death. I answered his questions honestly & as accurate as I could, as I really do not know what happens when we die. We have been told one thing, but then again I feel that all spiritallity things that I have been taught was a lie. So I gave him the best answers I could. He slept sound that night & woke up feeling ok. I asked if he had anymore questions, he said no & that he was ok. Whew, did I pass the test?
Ok I am going to drink 1 glass of Chianti & laugh my ass of watching Six Feet Under & then I will cry in my dh arms, yep thats it.

This week has been better, thus far anyway. One thing I have learned is that grief can make changes in you in split seconds. One second I am ok, they next I am a blubbering mess. That is just how it works. & it sucks, but there is not a damn thing you can do about. So I am riding the waves of grief. I like to think of it as the waves of laber, one cntrx at a time, one waive of grief at a time.
This last sunday I had a wonderful time with my two dear friends. They care so much. I have come to understand that they too are hurting. They miss my baby, almost as much as I do. All of our lives have been effected by this event. I hope we can go through this grief together & hold each of us up.
I have ran out of mindless fiction to read. I need to get up the library. Boy does reading useless crap help. It is a good distraction. In the weeks that Alexa has been gone, I have read the last 3 HP books, plus the new one. Angels & Demons. I guess that is not much, but when I put in the grief books I have read, wow how have I retained it all??? DeVinci Code is on hold at the libraray, I can not wait to start it!
I need to start excersizing. I feel ready. Just need to walk out the door. That is the hard part. Perhaps I will do that soon.

My baby would have been 3 months old saturday. I just love that age of 3 months. Their little personalities are beginning to show. The learn to laugh & smile. The only really know joy. I miss her so much. I just want to be able to hold her & love her. I can no longer do that, physically anyway. I can think about it, dream about it, but that is all. It is all just memories now. I also realized that I will never get to see her play, laugh, fight with siblings. It is just so not fair. Here I go back into "not fair". But what other words can I use? I have been denied, robbed, cheated, and it is so not fair, just, right. I am running out of adjectives. None of them seem strong enough.

Tonight my age came in front of me. I worry that I will not be able to have another child. That scares me. I yearn for a baby to hold. I think I counted 11 more weeks until we can TTC. I sure hope my age will not plauge me.
I really hope that by this time next year, I will be preggo & hopefully close to having another baby. I hope.

I do not believe this. I really do not. A third mom posted on MDC that she lost her baby last week. Another one!! She was not an MDC regular, but found us after her loss. I am glad she found MDC. Those wonderful ladies have been my rock. Mama's that know this journey I am on. They lift me up & inspire me. Some are pregnant again & have found true happiness again. I am so glad. It really gives me something to look forward to.
There are four of us whom had their babies die within weeks of each other. It is amazing to see how close we are on this grief journey. This is what a bereavement counselor wrote about grief:

1. Shock and NumbnessCharacteristics most intense the first 2 weeks

Attention span-short

Concentration is difficultdecision making is impaired

stunned, disbelief

resistant to stimuli

functioning impeded

denial

time confusion

failure to accept reality

2. Searching and YerningCharacteristics dominant 2nd week-4th month

sensitive to stimuli

anger/guilt,

dreams restless/impatient

double meaning

testing what is real

irritability

weight gain/loss

sleeping difficulties

aching arms

obsession to get pregnant again

preoccupation with the deceased

resentment bitterness

time confusion

palpitations

sighing

lack of strength

headaches*

perceptual confirmation is key

3. Disorientation characteristics

dominant 5th-9th month

think "I am going crazy"

social withdrawl

disorganized

forgetful

awareness of reality

depressed

guilt

insomnia

anorexiaweight gain/loss

sense of failure

sadness

exhaustion

difficulty in concentration

feels ill "sick role"

lack of energy

4. Reorganization/ resolutioncharacteristics dominant 18th-24th month

sense of release

renewed energy

able to make decisions easier

eating and sleeping habits re-established

able to laugh and smile again

increased awareness in self-esteem (appearance, diet rest, exercise)

begin planning for future

I think that I range between numbers 2 & 3. Sometimes I have parts of 4, but those are few & fleeting.

Ok. What the HELL is happening????? So much pain in this world. It is all wrong. It is!!!! Another MDC Mama lost her baby last night. That makes 2 in a week. There were five of us in May/June. Now two more. I just do not NOT understand. Why do babies/children die? Why so much suffering??? I really really believe that if there was a god, he would not let people suffer. I really do not.
I hope that mama finds peace. I hope she does not have guilt. I hope she has wonderful family & friends surrounding her & holding her up. She will need that.
To Amy & Ally: I am so SO sorry you lost your daughter & son. My heart weeps with you. I know your pain. You are not alone. Much Love.

So far this week is better. Not great but better. I am not weeping all day, that is good. I know it is a phase. My dear friend R called this week. I was having a moment & she felt it & called. I have felt good ever since. Love to you, R. We can get through all this together. She lost her son in May and we have many similarites in the loss of our children. I can not wait to meet her IRL. I know I will soon.
What put me at the peek of my funk last week is that a friend had her baby. It was not so much that she had a live healthy baby, but the fact that no one told me. An email was sent & I was not included in it's recipients. Being left off hurt so damn bad. I know the intent was good & that they did not want to make me feel sad, but all in all, it made me feel worse. Some people just do not get it. How many times have I said, it hurts worse when people do that??? How Many??????? I know I have said it so many times, I guess people just do not believe me. Have no idea why. I don't think my messages were confusing or not understandable. I just don't get it.

I am exhausted. Physically & mentally exhausted. The tears keep coming, they will not stop. I feel lower than I have felt in a really really long time. Matt does not know what to do or what to say. I feel alone, isolated & ignored. But then the phone rings & I do not feel like answering it either. That takes energy. I have no energy. Oh shit, why is this happening to me. I feel like a victim. I just hate it all. Sometimes, I really want to just die. I know I can not die, but that is how I feel.
Today is the day Matt & I met 15 years ago. Happy fucking aniversary I say. Not so happy anymore. Just exisiting. Why o why, have we been dealt this fate? Why did our baby have to die? Why does life cotinue when I just feel horrible?
I seriously have no faith anymore. With all the destruction in the world, that is beyond mans control; the tusuami, Katrina, Alexa dying, I do not think there is a god that loves us. I really do not. If he "loved" us there would not be so much pain, that is beyond our control. It just is. That is all, It just is & there is nothing anyone can do about it. Happy Fucking Aniversary, Dear.