A year ago today: I was at the Beauty & The Beast broadway show performance. I knew I was pregnant. I was freaking out. What about school? Oh shit I am going to be a new Mom AGAIN. What the HELL am I going to do??? This was not part of the five year plan!!!! Kids are happy, Matt is in shock. I am in DENIAL! Am I really not going to be able to start nursing school, because I am going to be NURSING!!! WTF!! I am nauseated. I need to leave this theatre now, I do not feel good! Play is over, we go to Olive Garden. Still feeling sick. Oh shit! Did I really just tell my cousins I am pregnant. OH SHIT! I am pregnant!!! How the fuck did that happen??????


Today: Holy shit. My baby is dead. Wow this year has really changed me. What am I supposed to do NOW???? No more 5 year plan. No baby that is nursing. My kids are sad. I am sad. My husband is sad. We keep living. The sun comes up the sun goes down. Life keeps going. What is the point of it all??? I have no answers. I never thought I would be sitting her typing a year later how messed up it all is. How I feel sad at random times. How I have to try to feel joy in each day. How I feel that the universe had played a mean cruel joke on the Salmon family. How everything I have been taught is a lie.
I have new friends. They are WONDERFUL. I have old friends, they are THE BEST. I am thankful for my friends.