I am exhausted. Physically & mentally exhausted. The tears keep coming, they will not stop. I feel lower than I have felt in a really really long time. Matt does not know what to do or what to say. I feel alone, isolated & ignored. But then the phone rings & I do not feel like answering it either. That takes energy. I have no energy. Oh shit, why is this happening to me. I feel like a victim. I just hate it all. Sometimes, I really want to just die. I know I can not die, but that is how I feel.
Today is the day Matt & I met 15 years ago. Happy fucking aniversary I say. Not so happy anymore. Just exisiting. Why o why, have we been dealt this fate? Why did our baby have to die? Why does life cotinue when I just feel horrible?
I seriously have no faith anymore. With all the destruction in the world, that is beyond mans control; the tusuami, Katrina, Alexa dying, I do not think there is a god that loves us. I really do not. If he "loved" us there would not be so much pain, that is beyond our control. It just is. That is all, It just is & there is nothing anyone can do about it. Happy Fucking Aniversary, Dear.