I feel a huge wave of emotion coming on. I can feel the huge ball in my throat, like I am choking to death. I just need to let it all out, but I feel like such crap afterwards. It is not like, you feel sick to your stomach & so you throw up & you feel better, NO it is more like you drink all night, puke your guts out & still feel like shit in the morning. Can not find a better analogy, sorry. Lets see, 1 week before Aunt Flo, so that is about right, a BIG CRASH is coming. It just sucks to hell, I tell ya & there is nothing I can do about it. I guess I could take the valium I have left from the car accident a year ago, but what would that really do? Take it all away, nope. I still would feel like shit. So I guess I just have to feel like shit for awhile & know that I will feel better eventually. Ya know these burst of emotion, they confuse the heck out of me, what do they do to my family? I know grieving is healthy & I have really faced this grief head on, but I wonder what my kids & husband truly see & feel. Austin had a breakdown last week. He did not want to go to sleep for fear of dying. He did not want us to go to bed without him for fear of us dying. He wanted to know what dying felt like. What happens when we die. Such obession with death. I answered his questions honestly & as accurate as I could, as I really do not know what happens when we die. We have been told one thing, but then again I feel that all spiritallity things that I have been taught was a lie. So I gave him the best answers I could. He slept sound that night & woke up feeling ok. I asked if he had anymore questions, he said no & that he was ok. Whew, did I pass the test?
Ok I am going to drink 1 glass of Chianti & laugh my ass of watching Six Feet Under & then I will cry in my dh arms, yep thats it.