2005 is almost over & I just want to break down & weep. What a year it has been. I have been reflecting alot these last few days. I had 22 hours in the car to reflect.
Wow! It started out last year with me on bed rest. I had passed a blood clot on Christmas eve 2004. I remember last new years eve, going to the bathroom every hour to check if there was more blood. There was not. I was just feeling her move at that time. Quickening they call it. Then on Jan 4, 2004 we saw are precious baby for the first time. We found out we were having a daughter & named her Alexa Rose. The rest of the year until her death went really smooth. Nothing big stands out at all. I had the perfect pregnancy from that point on. Every appointment, everything was perfect. In May I had a bealutiful blessing way. The perfect ceremony for the perfect birth. Yes, I had apprehension that something terrible would go wrong. I thought about her dying all the time. But they were just thoughts. Nothing to real to tell me something was wrong, or so I thought. Then when a baby died early May I found confidence that nothing would happen.
Then on June 10, I woke up to no more quickening. No more movement. Just an awful stillness & then my baby was gone. Dead. Forever. Damn it all. I hate it, I really really do!!! I will never forget that panic of calling my midwife. I will never forget that dead silence on the dopper. Before she had died, when checking for a heart beat there was always static, this time nothing. I guess it was the lack of flow. No amnioc fluid flowing, no blood flowing in the placenta. Just silence in my bedroom. Me shooing Amber out. Me telling the midwife I know she is gone, lets go to the hospital. I just wanted her out. I just wanted to hold her. Fast, please lets get this over fast. Within 5 hours I was holding my baby, after my surgery to birth her. I only held her for 7 hours. That is all I got. Sometimes I wonder if I will forget holding her, since it was so fleeting. But at the time, I told myself to make memories, as this is all I would get. I remember her soft little head, and beautiful hair. Her soft skin. Her beautiful hands & feet, they were large for such a small girl. I wish I could have seen her eyes alive, but even gone they were beautiful. I looked in her perfect mouth. I remember it all. I relive it every night. I go through those motions, so I do not forget. I can not forget.
So tonight 2005 leaves. Who knows what 2006 brings. I know what I want, but I have learned I do not get what I want. Planning means nothing. Karma is everything. I need Peace. I deserve Peace & good Karma. That is what I wish for 2006. No resolutions. No planning. Take it as it comes & if it all falls into place, then it is mean to be.