Today is a new milestone. For some it may not be a big deal, but it is for me. This is my first day home alone. I mean really home alone. Dh & the kids went to Disneyland without me. My choice. Too DAMN hot for me there. So here I am at home. I have cried once. I packed up Alexa's belongings into rubbermaid tubs. I bagged up the 'hand-me-downs' I recieved, ready to be passed on to another needy family. The changing table is ready to go back into the rafters. Her dresser has all the new clothes we were given for her. That will stay awhile as Amber is not ready to part with them. It was emotional for me to clean things up but it felt right. I saved everything I wanted, ready to use with another baby. All the natural baby products are stored, along with my slings, wraps, breastpads. God I hope I get another chance to use them!!
I also cleaned my bathroom. Not the usual scrub the tub clean, but really REALLY clean. I scraped off all the hard water deposits off the shower doors. Cleaned the baseboards, on my hands & knees. It is so clean I do not want to go shower & make it dirty clean. That feels good. Now if I could only get that motivated everywhere else in the house.
I have still yet to do thank you notes. Some say forget it, I can not. It is not in my blood. I will get those darn thank you notes done eventually.
I think I will hit a movie tonight. I may go with a girlfriend, I may go alone. Either way I will go. Dh & the kids will not be home until really late. Poor Dh, he goes back to work tomorrow. He is worried. He will be just fine. His co-workers LOVE him. He has much support there.
We are moving through this grief. I still miss my daughter desperately. Sometimes the grief seems so new, other times it is like a sad old friend, just nagging at you. Still Knitting. I think it helps my grief. Go Figure

We are home from WA. Back to reality. I did not want to come back. WA is so beautiful!! All the people I met there we so nice and compassionate. I went to a "Knit till you drop" at a yarn store that I found. (The best yarn store I have ever been in BTW!) I met some great ladies & I shared Alexa's story & pictures with them. One even shed tears with me, a perfect stranger cried with me. Amazing how my daughter has touched so many people. I met a WONDERFUL MDC mama there. We had been talking via PM and met IRL. That was so nice. She has had one other baby since her loss & is pregnant again. Gives me hope. How I want a baby to hold! The desire is so bad. So is the fear. Fear of another bad outcome. I met another Mama there too. My sisters friend who also lost a baby. She said having her daughter was so healing after losing her son. That is what I want, healing. I know it will come, I just want it sooner than later.
Faith. What does that mean? I have no idea. God. What is that?? We are told God loves us, that he died for us. He does not like his people to suffer, and yet we do. I have to say that this is the biggest test of faith I have ever had. I had strong faith, not anymore. I question everything I was taught to believe in. Wow, I actually finally put that in words. I really wonder about God lately. I prayed that Alexa would be alright during my pregnancy. I told God. "I give it to you" & I did & this is what I got. So not fair to those that have faith. My sister says not to lose faith, that I will be soul less without it. Become like my other sister, whom I want nothing to do with. She is soul less. I do not want to be like her that is for sure. But how could my God let this happen, if he loves us so much? I do not get it. I prayed that he would not let my other children hurt so much & he did. Austin asked why tonight. I have no answers. I question my faith everyday now. My sister says be angry at God, but isn't that losing faith too. They teach us that God is always with us & that we are not alone. Well I damn well feel like I am alone. I know that no one that loves me would have wanted this to happen, yet they say God loves us & he let this happen. Does not make sense to me. I need to figure this out, perhaps some day I will.

I am in Everett, WA now. It is so beautiful here. I always talk of moving when I visit my sister. I just love spending time with her. We, (Matt, Mom & I) drove up here. It was a nice drive. Beautiful country. It took two days. We had originally just planned for Mom & I to come, but I had a panic attack about being away from my husband, so he came too. It is nice to get away. I brought Alexa's pictures to show off. She is constantly in my thoughts. Hardly a moment goes by that I do not think about her. I am meeting other Moms of babies that died. That is comforting. It is comforting because they lived through it & survived. There are times when I don't think I will survive, but yet I do. Heather's baby Shane was born at 33 weeks & lived 5 days. I am meeting a MDC mom tomorrow & her baby died 2 years ago & she survived. My sister's friend had a baby die & we are meeting her today. So many babies die. So sad. Why do people not talk about it? Went to an awesome yarn store today. I talked about Alexa. I did not cry. I showed off the soakers I made her. They asked how they worked. I had to tell them I do not know, since my baby died. They asked how, & I told them she was stillborn. They were sorry. So am I. So sorry my baby died. I think of all those babies that have horrible mothers & they get their babies & I do not. I do not get that. Not sure I ever will. But I will survive. Someday, I will have true happiness again. I am sure. I hope. I pray.

Well I did it. I made it back to my first La Leche Leauge meeting since Alexa died. It was so hard to walk into that room. I took a big breath & opened the door. The first to see me was Beth. She greated me with a huge smile & an even bigger hug. I went & sat down, the meeting was already in progress, and scanned the room. So many familar faces, it felt right. There were two new mama's there. Turns out one had a 3 week old baby, & the other a 6 week. The 3 week baby was the first birth after Alexa died for my friend/doula. I heard about that birth then & it brought tears to my eyes. I was so sad when I heard about it, for my own pain, not because of her experience. That is when I questioned wheter I could go back to helping Mom's. Anyway, I sat quietly for majority of the meeting. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I feared the moment I opened my mouth I would burst into tears. Towards the end of the meeting I finally started contributing. That felt nice. I really & truly love helping the Moms & Babes. At the end, I wanted to thank all of my LLL family for what their support has meant to me. Of course this is when the tears came. The two new Mama's had not heard our story, so I told them. Everyone was so kind. It felt so nice to talk about Alexa. She would have had many friends that love her. I keep that in the present tense, because even though she is not here, she is still loved so much. Not just by her family but all her friends. It is beacuse of Alexa, that I have realized how special my friends are to me. They are wonderful & I am so blessed.

Time

Time, Time, Time See whats become of me????
This song by the Bangles is raging in my head. Time. When you are muddling through each day, exisiting, time goes by so slow. When you reflect on that time, it has passed us by without us knowing. Today it is one month since my Alexa passed away. One month since I held her & had to send her away. One month since I saw her beautiful face. One month since she was in my womb. One month & one day since I felt her move & she was alive.
The lyrics continue to say, It is the springtime of my life. Not for me, It is the worse HELL in my life.

Wow what an emotional roller coast ride this is!! There are times when I am so DAMN ANGRY, I just want to hurt something, like I hurt. Then I am so sad, because I miss my little girl. I miss her so much it hurts, & then it turns to ANGER! I feel like it is driving me CRAZY!! Right now I keep thinking I should have a baby to hold & love, but I do not, yet I grew one. I grew a beautiful baby inside me, I did everything right. I ate well, took my supplements, went to the doctor & midwife. In retrospect, I had two times the normal prenatal care & she died. She is gone. Just like the breathe we exhale, she is gone. Never to come back. So not fair. I am MAD!!! I want my baby. How dare God take her from me???? Why did this happen?? What can I do to make myself feel normal & happy again??? I keep think I should be changing diapers, nursing a baby, staying up all night, having fun bath times. But I do not. I feel cheated. Why did I go through pregnancy to not have a baby? I do not get it.

Today is my husbands birthday. I have not prepared a thing. I hope he forgives me. I just have had no energy or desiree to do anything. I am sure it is the greif that is making me feel this way. I saw my OB yesterday. I was so nervous to go speak with him. As usual, the fear of something is much worse than the actual event. It went so smoothly. The nurse put me in a room right away. He checked my incision & then we talked about Alexa. Unfortunatly we are part of that 70% of stillborns, that will never get an answer. It just is. Her placenta was perfect, she was perfect, there are no reasons. My OB has a theory that SIDS is a continum of SADS. He feels that if we had taken Alexa earlier, via c-sec or induction, that there is a probability that she could have succombed to SIDS. That is something to think about. Matt has thought about it in that context as well. So has my midwife. I don't know. I guess that is true, since I had such strong feeling about her not living here on earth as well.
Tuesday is a LLL meeting. I feel a strong desire to be there, but yet, I am not sure. Again, it is the fear is usually worse than the actual event. My LLL friends are like family, that is not the part I fear. I am nervous about being around new Moms. I am supposed to be a new Mom too! I was pregnant, very pregnant & now no baby. It is so surreal. Last night when I went to bed, I could swear that I felt her moving. Matt said he was sorry I was feeling that way, I took comfort in it. I miss her so much. I told him it did not bother me bcause, I want to remember, since that is all I have of her.

I am starting to go out in public a little more. However, I am going to places I know I will not run into people I know. It feels safer. Last friday we took the kids to the Regional Park, & just like I feared, we ran into someone we knew. She happliy asked, "Where's the baby?" I then tell her my baby died & I lose it. It is so awful. I am sure she felt bad, but really, I feel horrible, much worse than her bad! Anyway, I just do not want to deal with that! Am I wrong for not wanting to see people I know in public? We took the kids to Disneyland yesterday. I knew I would not run into anyone I knew there, and we didn't. We did see a few "preggo" Mama's & lots of babies. A few wee ones at that. It was hard. I just wanted to run up & snatch those babies & hug on them, even just for a little bit. I still have heavy empty arms. I do not think that will ever go away. I constantly thought about Alexa at Disneyland. I was sad she will not get to ride a roller coaster, see the parades, listen to the music, watch the fireworks, dance with the characters. Matt & I talked about it on the way home. She was in his constant thoughts as well. Amber & Austin kept saying Alexa was with us. Riding the tram, playing in Camp Brother Bear, they said she was right there. I don't know, was her spirit there with us? Perhaps it is inside us, those constant thoughts that we have are her. I am not sure. I am not sure about alot of things these days.

Yesterday was July 4, 2005. That was one of my hardest days. Why? Because I had dreamt about taking Alexa to the fireworks display, dressed in white, me in blue & she in her cranberry red sling. I thought about it being her first holiday & how I would be showing her off to everyone we ran into a the stadium. Instead, I cried all day long about how I was missing her, missing showing her off. I hate that I do not have my daughter anymore. I am angry that she is not here. I miss her so much.
I tried to get into the holiday. I painted my toes patriotic. Had Matt go get BBQ stuff. We even drove over a few blocks & pulled onto the side of the road & watched two fireworks displays. But I was still sad. Nothing brought a smile to my face. I miss my daughter so much. I just do not understand why we have been dealt such a horrible hand. It is not fair!! I do not know how to get through this. I still have times when I can not breathe. When will I breathe again without making a conscience effort. We are taking the kids to Disneyland today. Just for a half day. I really do not feel like going to "The happiest place on earth" but I need to keep going for my kids. In fact, that is the only reason I keep going. My kids & husband. I just want to die half of the time, but know that I can not. I still have other children that need me. I am glad for them. They have no idea of what they mean to me. Perhaps one day they will.

Why is it that, just when I think I am going to be ok, I get this overwhelming saddness crawl over me? Today I am missing my darling, Alexa so MUCH! It takes my breath away, and I do not know how to breathe. I think about when I was pregnant with her & all that I was looking forward to. I remember my Blessing Way, and how she moved when the henna was applied to my belly. I remember going to the Midwife & how I loved hearing her heart beat. Why couldn't her heart keep beating?? Why did she die?? Why have I been dealt this horrible tragidy? Why does my family have to feel so much pain??? Oh God, how can I keep going on???
I feel like my husband & I are on a teater totter. Some days are great & we talk really well. Other days we are both so short fused, and no connecting. Such a change from a month ago & we had no worries. This is definitely the worse time in my life!!
A year ago, I dreamt of going to the LLLI conference. I was planning in my head how I could go. Then I find out I am pregnant. There was no way I could go with a 1 month old, so I resolved not to go. Then I have a dead baby, and not doing the baby things I thought I would be doing that was keeping me from going. I visit LLLI website & see all that I am missing. Then it brings me back to why I am not there, because I had a baby but she is not here. Never to be here. My heart weeps. I cry huge tears. I am so sad, sad that I have no baby. Nothing to show of the wonderful pregnancy I had.
I have been wishing I had kept a pregnancy blog. I need to get those memories down, as those are the only memories I will have of Alexa. So not fair.

3 weeks ago today, my baby Alexa was born still. I am still in such a fog. I have good days & bad days, and good & bad moments within those. I have been doing research on stillbirth, also known as Sudden Antenatal Death Syndrome, SADS. It is amazing how many babies die each year due to SADS. 1 out of 115 babies die within the womb, making 15,000 babies die each year. That is almost EIGHT times more babies dying than those that die of SIDS. About 2,000 babies die of SIDS. But what makes me even more angry, is that there is hardly any research or funding for research to find out why these precious babies die! So much info on SIDS, but only a small percentage of babies die of SIDS, so many more baby's being stillborn & nothing is being done!!! There are no hospital protocols in place when a baby is stillborn. Why is there no autopsy offered, unless parents want to pay, something like $5,000 for?? Why no chormosonal study, when they will do one before baby is born with an amnio, but why not when born still??? Is this where I am supposed to go now???? I am thinking about it.