2005 is almost over & I just want to break down & weep. What a year it has been. I have been reflecting alot these last few days. I had 22 hours in the car to reflect.
Wow! It started out last year with me on bed rest. I had passed a blood clot on Christmas eve 2004. I remember last new years eve, going to the bathroom every hour to check if there was more blood. There was not. I was just feeling her move at that time. Quickening they call it. Then on Jan 4, 2004 we saw are precious baby for the first time. We found out we were having a daughter & named her Alexa Rose. The rest of the year until her death went really smooth. Nothing big stands out at all. I had the perfect pregnancy from that point on. Every appointment, everything was perfect. In May I had a bealutiful blessing way. The perfect ceremony for the perfect birth. Yes, I had apprehension that something terrible would go wrong. I thought about her dying all the time. But they were just thoughts. Nothing to real to tell me something was wrong, or so I thought. Then when a baby died early May I found confidence that nothing would happen.
Then on June 10, I woke up to no more quickening. No more movement. Just an awful stillness & then my baby was gone. Dead. Forever. Damn it all. I hate it, I really really do!!! I will never forget that panic of calling my midwife. I will never forget that dead silence on the dopper. Before she had died, when checking for a heart beat there was always static, this time nothing. I guess it was the lack of flow. No amnioc fluid flowing, no blood flowing in the placenta. Just silence in my bedroom. Me shooing Amber out. Me telling the midwife I know she is gone, lets go to the hospital. I just wanted her out. I just wanted to hold her. Fast, please lets get this over fast. Within 5 hours I was holding my baby, after my surgery to birth her. I only held her for 7 hours. That is all I got. Sometimes I wonder if I will forget holding her, since it was so fleeting. But at the time, I told myself to make memories, as this is all I would get. I remember her soft little head, and beautiful hair. Her soft skin. Her beautiful hands & feet, they were large for such a small girl. I wish I could have seen her eyes alive, but even gone they were beautiful. I looked in her perfect mouth. I remember it all. I relive it every night. I go through those motions, so I do not forget. I can not forget.
So tonight 2005 leaves. Who knows what 2006 brings. I know what I want, but I have learned I do not get what I want. Planning means nothing. Karma is everything. I need Peace. I deserve Peace & good Karma. That is what I wish for 2006. No resolutions. No planning. Take it as it comes & if it all falls into place, then it is mean to be.

Today I have had a range of emotions. From feeling heavy grief to joy. Funny how you can do that. I guess living in the moment has taught me to do that. I started AF, that sucks. I really have no idea how that egg sneaked by. Guess we keep trying. I have been thinking about Alexa alot. She would have been six months & loving the twinkling lights. Giggling, crawling. It is sort of hard to imagine those things & when I do, I think of my other kids when they hit those milestones. Would she have been like them? I wonder.
Matt has been seeking information on employment in the Pacific Northwest. We have contimplated relocating here many times. Mostly it was just talk. The opportunity seems to be presenting itself & I am in a range of emotions. I am scared, mostly. It is frightening mostly. There are not many cons to moving. I would leave my Mom, Dh Family & Friends #1. I would leave my Alexa's resting spot. I would leave my volunteer work (but I could do that here.) I would be pulling my kids from the only home they know. Pros - We would be in a bigger home. My sister would rent us their 2nd house for what we pay now. It would be change, that I desire so much. We would be near my sister. The schools are much better here. We would only go if they offer Matt more than he is making now. They pay relocation. We would be in the Pac NW. The kids are young enough now to make a healthy adjustment. I did not get that job for some reason. I am not pregnant yet. The most awesome Yarn store it here!!! LOL!
I don't know. The reahab cordinator Matt needs to talk to is on vacation. He will talk to her next week, before we leave. They are emailing him a bennefits package. We are taking it one step at a time. Man I have no idea. I am just going to let it flow.

Well I made it back to Seattle to be with my sister. It is so nice to just be here, away. My kids are having a great time with their cousins & Amber has made a new friend. The trip up here was anxiety filled as the weather was not on our side. It started out smooth & easy but by the time we hit Sacremento, it was cold & raining, HARD. It took 11ish hours to get to Redding (normally around 8 hours). The next morning we woke up to even colder rain. We hit the Cascade mountain range & had to chain up. Being from southern california, I must say we looked the sight. Finally when we figued out we had no idea of what the hell we were doing, we sought out help. By then they lifted the chain requirment & got on the road. Not that is wasn't still scary, it was!!! After we traveled about 1.5 hours we came to lower elevation & it was BEAUTIFUL. Absolutly goregous country. We saw so many rainbow & I thought of my dear Alexa every time. After 8 hours of driving we pull into the metro Portland area, only to be traveling on ice. Very slippery ice! We get off they highway & literaly slip & slide to our hotel. It was very frightening. So much so, we crazy californians, walked to dinner instead of driving, as we have no idea how to drive on ice!!! (This was a really bad storm folks. I will post pics later. In fact at our hotel, our neighbor lived only 5 miles from the hotel but could not get home, due to so much ice!!) The next morning, I was to meet my MDC friends, Jackie & Korin, but it could not happen. While us on the west side were beginning to thaw, they were still iced in. By the time their iced would melt, we really needed to be on the road. A missed chance but that is ok, we will have time to meet again. We arrive safely in Seattle 3 hours later. I am with my sister. I miss my baby. I have my older children. I have my husband. I am trying not to weep. I am looking for the good in my life. I am trying. I am.......whoo..... It is hard. Two beautiful baby girls have been born into my life this weekend. I am happy for them, but sad for me. It is alot to process. They have what I lost. That hurts. I need to not think of me. It is hard. It is hard.

The time has come for me to crash & burn again, & then pull myself up by my bra straps & start all over. So I have done that. I did not get that job. Fuck them, their loss, I am awsome. No seriously, I felt like shit when I got the "we've hired another candidate" letter. The first time I step outside the box & get slammed with we do not need you. Oh well, such is life. I am better. But hell, it sure flew me against the fuckin' wall. I went straight back to elementary school, but that is a whole nuther story. Sort of related, but I do not want to go there today. I have much to much to do. (But damn it to hell, I deserve something good, don't I) Anyway.
See, I am LEAVING! Perhaps never coming back. (JK) But sure sounds nice. I am busy doing last minute laundry, & baking cookies & packing! I can not wait. We leave tomorrow early. I am so excited. (I need good Karma friends, GOOD Karma) Anywho, we leave tomorrow & trek to Redding. We shall stop in Sacremento & see the state capitol on the way.(& perhaps flip off Arnie too, not really but you know.). Next day to Portland where I will give my friend Jackie the biggest hug in the world. I will sit & hold her hand & we will cry. I also plan to meet K & give her a big baby belly hug. I am so excited to meet these wonderful people in real life! Then Monday I will go up to see my Sister. I am so excited. I am excited for my kids to get out of So Cal & see some real serious mother nature beauty. To feel real cold. Man o man!
So bye, y'all. Nice knowing you! I am leaving & perhaps not coming back. (JK) But I am looking forward to the break from my reality around these parts, for sure.

Today was a national day to light candles for all children that have died. We lite one for Alexa and all her Angel Baby Friends on MOA. Here is a picture.

Today. It was six months ago today that I said Hello & Goodbye to my sweet daughter. Wow. When we had that moment in June, December seemed a lifetime away. And now here it is. December 10. That date was illumionouse to me. I have been waiting for this day. Today it is officially ok to to try to have another child. But what all does that really mean? Life is so much more complicated now, yet is it much simpliar too. How can it be both, but it is?? I am surviving. We are living. I am no longer just exisisting. I was speaking to another Mama of an angel baby. We have come to the conclusion while the date is important, the time that has passed is more significant. We need to acknowledge the time. The suffering that has taken place. Not the date. We need to remember the short life that our babies had. What a perfect life that they had. They knew no suffering. They only knew love. Every need that they ever had was met instantanously. What a beautiful life they had.
I miss my baby girl Alexa every day. I wonder what could have been. I am living. I am breathing without effort, for the most part. I love you baby girl. So much.

I am still sick. My throat hurts. My food has to be mush in order to get it down. I am tired of soup. The only thing that makes me feel slightly decent is alternating between tylenol & advil. YUCK! Plus on top of it all, I have an employment test in 2 hours! Damn! I hope I can concentrate. At least I know I can type!

Well here we are in december. Back in June this seemed like an eternity away. Now we are here. I guess time still goes on even when it feels like it is standing still.
Matt & I had our 14 year anniversary yesterday. It was one year ago that I heard my babies heart beat for the first time. Wow, I can still hear it in my head, swoosh swoosh swoosh. Sigh. We did not do anything special for our anniversary. Ambers PTA reflections entry, I Wonder Why...My Sister Had To Die won at her school & district level. It is on its way to the County level. Last night was a small award ceremony & then Amber had theatre rehersal. I came down with Strep Throat. I must have contracted it at Disneyland last Sunday. I woke up with a sore throat yesterday & drank loads of tea, & by last night it was so painful. I woke up at midnight & took 1 part of a Z-Pac, but then went to the doc today & got a full round of anitbiotics.
Tonight is opening night of Babes in Toyland for Amber. I feel bad we can not be there opening night, but I am too sick. She understands. I have such a compassionate daughter. I am so lucky.
Today both Austin & Amber had their parent/teacher conferences. Both are doing very well in school, in spite of the tragedy they are dealing with. I am very VERY proud of them. I am so lucky to have such great kids & a wonderful husband. Ok back to bed to heal. Here is Ambers PTA entry,