Happy Birthday Austin! Happy Halloween! Wow, is it really that time of year already? It seems like yesterday, I said hello & goodbye to my dear Alexa. Yet time has passed. We have healed, yet I still feel so raw at times. It is so unreal.
We got the go ahead from my doc to ttc after my next cycle. I am charting now. That is new to me. I have never "tried" to get pregnant. It just always happened. In fact when I got pregnant with Alexa I knew I was in the "danger" zone that month. Blame it on the Cosmos. Perhaps I will start drinking them again & Alexa will end up with a little brother or sister. If only life was so innocent again.
Yes, my innocense in lost. Gone. I am changed. I am not so niave anymore. Not that I was that niave before, but something is different that is for sure. I end this post with a few pictures of my earthly kids Halloween! Luke Skywalker aka Austin

Tinkerbell aka Amber


We miss & Love you Alexa! Mama thought of you often tonight, wishing you were wearing your sisters sweet pea costume.

I am fighting some demons. Some serious demons. I know I will win, but it is the battle I struggle with. Birth is normal. Pregnancy is not a disease. It is normal & healthy. I know this. I KNOW THIS!!! But, BUT it failed me so horribly. In the worse way. I am a doula. I trust birth. I believe in the midwifery model. I know it works.

I was honored to attend a beautiful birth this week. They way it is supposed to work. It was perfect. She was the classic woman that needed a Doula. She kept starting & stopping labor. Her membranes had been ruptured for hours. She was finally convinced to take castor oil. It worked perfect. She knew I was coming & she started contracting. She was in a pattern of 5 mins apart, 1 min each right away. After an hour or so of doing that, she wanted to go to the hospital. We get there & have a great nurse. They honor her birth plan. She is at 4 cm dialted 70% effaced & she has only been really going at this since 7:30 & it is now just after 9. At 10:30ish she is 7cm & 100% effaced. She does not have to be in bed. No IV. No continous fetal monitoring. Perfect! At 11 she goes from low moaning to grunting, she is pushing. Yep she is complete & a beautiful living breathing baby boy is born at 11:05. Only 5 pushes. She is done. She is a new mama. Perfect. I am bawling, sobbing. It was so raw.

Now my demons, her membranes are ruptured more than the "recommended" amount of time. What if she gets an infection & the baby septic & dies? Her contractions while mostly consistant, some are short some are long, what if baby is not tolerating them? What if his cord is compressed & he loses O2? What if his heart rate drops & does not recover? What if, WHAT IF???? I am scared. They put us in the room right next to where Alexa was confirmed dead. The last time I was here, I was told my baby was dead. There is the nurses station where they were so rude to me. Are the devil nurses here? There is the surgical room where they cut my baby out of me. See DEMONS!!!!

I am so glad I saw this live baby born. I am glad my friend got the birth she wanted. I am glad to see that birth works. I am sad it does not work for me. Will I ever figure out why? I know I have to trust, trust trust if I want to keep working with Moms & babies. I have to take away the fear. I need it to go away. I need to trust my knowledge. Make decisions on facts not fear. Facts in this birth: She had not fever. She had clear amniotic fluid. Baby was HR was fine when we could get a monitor going. Baby was moving. She was in good care.

Birth is normal. It is healthy. Pregnancy is not a disease. Still birth is rare. Infant death in birth is rare. It happend to me, I am a statistic, not my clients. Trust the process no matter the outcome. See demons.

Thirty-Six years ago today, 10/16/1969, a little baby girl was born. Her life was destined to be blessed, but also one full of many challenges. She over came a HORRIBLE education experience. She found true love & married him. She had beautiful babies even though one was stolen from her. She has had many wonderful friends along the way & some true enemies. She has seen and felt hate, but thank goodness love remains in her heart. Yes, I am talking about myself. When I reflect on the major events in my life that have molded the person I have become I wonder. I wonder, what if I had let that hate that I experienced when I was so young encapsulate me? What would have become of me? Thank goodness I had just as much love in my life as I did the hate.
Today is not the way I planned it to be, that is for sure. But life keeps going & changing. I get to see a baby be born today or early tomorrow. A friend is in labor & has asked me to be there as her doula. My first birth since I lost my daughter, on my birthday. Is that irony or what????

I AM SO ANGRY!! I JUST WANT TO SCREAM SO LOUDLY! I AM SO PISSED OFF I DO NOT HAVE THE WORDS!!
A healthy newborn baby was found in LA in a boxed stuffed in there left to die for NO FUCKING REASON!! I am so mad that that woman! Her baby was born alive & she tossed him in the trash can, as if he is waste. That poor baby was born & left to die. Matt was sad. He was just dumbstruck. There are laws so that frightened women can take there babies to a hospital or fire station & leave the baby NO QUESTIONS ASKED! Shit she could have given me the baby, if she knew me. I would take it. I would love it. I would nurture it. But no, she gets a live baby she doesn't want & the baby I want is taken from me. SO NOT FUCKING FAIR! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS UNIVERSE??????????

I am off to Lost Wages, I mean Las Vegas. I am going to meet IRL, Robin. She lost her dear son Freddie in May. She too was planning a homebirth, went over due & never went into labor. Freddie was also born via c-sec. He was born alive, but with severe brain damage & died a few days later. I am so sad that we had to meet this way, because our precious babies had to leave this earth. I am so glad we have meet. She is a new friend, but we have a deep connection & I am so excited to see her & hug her in IRL. We both have anniversaries happening early next week. We will get through them together. We are walking in the October 15th rememberance walk on saturday. We walk for all those babies that are lost during pregnancy & childbirth. We will never forget any of the children & mothers we have met along this journey.

Alexa's grave marker & the Lemon tree donated in her honor.