I am fighting some demons. Some serious demons. I know I will win, but it is the battle I struggle with. Birth is normal. Pregnancy is not a disease. It is normal & healthy. I know this. I KNOW THIS!!! But, BUT it failed me so horribly. In the worse way. I am a doula. I trust birth. I believe in the midwifery model. I know it works.

I was honored to attend a beautiful birth this week. They way it is supposed to work. It was perfect. She was the classic woman that needed a Doula. She kept starting & stopping labor. Her membranes had been ruptured for hours. She was finally convinced to take castor oil. It worked perfect. She knew I was coming & she started contracting. She was in a pattern of 5 mins apart, 1 min each right away. After an hour or so of doing that, she wanted to go to the hospital. We get there & have a great nurse. They honor her birth plan. She is at 4 cm dialted 70% effaced & she has only been really going at this since 7:30 & it is now just after 9. At 10:30ish she is 7cm & 100% effaced. She does not have to be in bed. No IV. No continous fetal monitoring. Perfect! At 11 she goes from low moaning to grunting, she is pushing. Yep she is complete & a beautiful living breathing baby boy is born at 11:05. Only 5 pushes. She is done. She is a new mama. Perfect. I am bawling, sobbing. It was so raw.

Now my demons, her membranes are ruptured more than the "recommended" amount of time. What if she gets an infection & the baby septic & dies? Her contractions while mostly consistant, some are short some are long, what if baby is not tolerating them? What if his cord is compressed & he loses O2? What if his heart rate drops & does not recover? What if, WHAT IF???? I am scared. They put us in the room right next to where Alexa was confirmed dead. The last time I was here, I was told my baby was dead. There is the nurses station where they were so rude to me. Are the devil nurses here? There is the surgical room where they cut my baby out of me. See DEMONS!!!!

I am so glad I saw this live baby born. I am glad my friend got the birth she wanted. I am glad to see that birth works. I am sad it does not work for me. Will I ever figure out why? I know I have to trust, trust trust if I want to keep working with Moms & babies. I have to take away the fear. I need it to go away. I need to trust my knowledge. Make decisions on facts not fear. Facts in this birth: She had not fever. She had clear amniotic fluid. Baby was HR was fine when we could get a monitor going. Baby was moving. She was in good care.

Birth is normal. It is healthy. Pregnancy is not a disease. Still birth is rare. Infant death in birth is rare. It happend to me, I am a statistic, not my clients. Trust the process no matter the outcome. See demons.