Well, I made it through Thanksgiving. I think what helped me make it was staying away from tradition.That my sound harsh & cold to some, but I don't care what others think. I have to do what makes me feel safe & sane. So I say FUCK tradition. I could give a rats ass about it right now. You go on & have your "traditions" or whatever you want, but I want nothing to do with it. As far as I am concerned right now, Christmas & this holiday season can just go away. And since I am going away, that is all fine & well. Speaking of such, I am very excited to break tradition & travel 1200 miles to be with my Sister. I feel she gets me right now (considering she has been through all this before with her husbands sister). She knows what to say & what not to say. She lets me be isolated without question. She lets me vent without questions. It is nice. I hope to see Heather at my sisters. I wonder what her first holiday was like without Shane?
So, for those that see me as going backwards, well yes I have (2 steps forward 1 step back). I am going back into isolation mode, but I am alright. I just need to do this so I can manage my first holiday without my daughter.I need to take this time & be selfish. I will be back in January. Do not take personal offense if I do not want to go anywhere, it is not you. It is me, & I will be ok. Just let me be. Without any quilt, I will come around again. (See you in January!) (I am sure I will write again before January, but you may not see me!!! Just check in here.)

A new wave of grief is on its way. Is it the holidays? I remember saying that Alexa's first solids would be my Grandma's sweet potatoes, or traditional mashed potatoes, or both. That is not going to happen. It makes me sad. I am totally dreading this holiday season. I thought I was handling it well & then I realized I have been pretty weepy @ times this week. It has to be the holidays. Man. Can we just skip to 1/03/06, PLEASE! Shit. The only good thing is that we are taking off. We are going to Seattle to spend Christmas with my sister. I have not spent this holiday with her in a very long time. I am excited about that. Change I need change. The same thing just frustrates me anymore. Speaking of changes, I have a test date at a prospective employer next week. When they called they were not sure I would want it, considering the $$ I made @ my last job. But heck their entry level pay is better than the nothing I am getting now. We need to pay off a few bills before the next baby. I feel guilty for Matt having to pay my student loans, and if we can pay off the van, that would put $300 in our pockets for me to stay home. So that is my goal. Get a job. Get pregnant. Pay off some debt & stay @ home with a baby. If only we could control things like that. We can't. But it is a goal. Speaking of getting pregnant. Here is my chart http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/f019c Looks pretty good, if I do say so myself, although I have no real idea of what it all means. What I do know is I set the alarm for 6:30am, every morning, take my temp & go back to sleep!!!
Nuff for now. I am sure I will get chatty again, as I feel like shit. Again.....Sigh.

For those that still read this blog, I am feeling pretty good these days, hence the lack of blogging. When I feel good, I do not write that much. However, I thought I would share a few things.

Yes, I am feeling good. I think I have found some peace. I am not really sure when that came to be. Was it getting more sleep with the sleeping pills I was perscribed? (Past tense as they are now gone.) Was it going to see Dr.V & finding confidence in myself that I really did not kill my daughter? (Will that ever go away completly, no, but I do feel better.) Perhaps it was time. That cliche I HATED hearing in the beginning, it takes time. Well, it was true. Time has passed. I feel better. It does not sting as hard anymore. Am I back to normal? No, I will never be that person. As someone said to me, I will become a new person with tiny pieces of the old person still there.
I do still have my moments of grief. Yesterday I had a couple of hours of intense grief. I was sobbing agian. It was deeper, but short lived. I asked for forgivness & it was given & I feel better.

Our lives are continuing. My children are growing & thriving. They are happy. Matt is seeing happiness. & I am joining them. I am so glad.

WE LOVE & MISS YOU ALEXA ROSE. Always & forever my baby girl.

(Oh, I saw a baby today, that if Alexa had lived they would be the same age. That baby was sitting up & so happy. It amazed me to see in her how much my baby would have changed. But since she is gone, she will forever be my baby!!! I find peace in that. I will always have a baby girl, forever. Sigh.)